Real communication is a collaborative act. We must cooperate with one another—speaker with listener—to create a shared understanding of what we are discussing. Many of us forget this when we are speaking, focusing on getting our thoughts "out there" rather than on creating shared meaning with the other person. This ability, to take the other person’s mind and experience into account while we speak, is rare, and requires a set of skills I call Collaborative Communication. (More on that in another newsletter.)

Words alone aren't sufficient to convey meaning. Video has shown us that communication is a complex dance between bodies and brains. If we aren't listening with our hearts as well as our heads, we often miss the unspoken cues in our conversational partner's communication. Just like the old supermarket drawings for a free prize, "you must be present to win" at the game of communication. We are emotional creatures. Listening with your body as well as your mind, and checking your understanding as you go when a conversation is important can make a huge difference in the outcome.

Your mind is designed to keep you alive and protect you from danger. You must categorize your experiences of the world in terms of good (approach) and bad (avoid) to know how to interact with your environment. 

Once we developed language, however, this relational magic got extended. Now we could apply the feelings and labels of good or bad to neutral objects, and to each other.

I remember the first time I realized clouds were not little packets of whiteness scuttling across the sky. Something more complex was going on. This time lapse video clip out our big South windows was one of my first clues. Watch carefully and you'll see the clouds are dissolving and reforming themselves as they "move" across the sky.

Much of the work I did in my dissertation research involved embodied cognition and how our ways of talking shape the worlds we build is relevant now as we encounter AI and the large language model chatbots like ChatGPT and Claude. Out of curiosity I started using them to discover their usefulness and limitations. (I wrote this article without a Chatbot.) The hype about AI and chatbots has bumped into the reality of human complexity, and there are efforts to build therapeutic chatbots. I got curious about how that is working out. Here’s what I learned.

We have entered a time of “creative destruction.” No, I don’t mean U.S. politics. That’s for another discussion. I mean the rapid introduction of AI and other general‑purpose technologies such as ChatGPT. It is hard to read the news without encountering the mix of fear, excitement, and ethical questions raised by the flood of AI into our social and electronic lifeworlds.

In the film, the demon king, Gwi-ma, feasts on human souls which he turns into demons. Our heroines battle them through inspiring (and rather fierce) songs that light up their fans souls (that and a few amazing weapons). So how does the demon king control his minions? Simple. By manipulating the voices in their minds the body follows.

Most of the advice for getting past a grudge is about dealing with past incidents. It's over and you're still fuming. But what happens when you are living with someone who keeps doing the behavior that you begrudge? How do you “get past” your grudge if the grudge-inducing events keep occurring despite your best efforts to communicate with the grudge-inducer? Well, you could leave, of course, and sometimes there are very good reasons not to leave. (Note: I am not talking about situations involving domestic violence. If you find yourself in an unsafe environment, please seek help.)

Ever have one of those conversations where you were confused by the person you were talking with, not sure where the conversation was going or what their point was? Truth is, we miss each other in communication more often than we think. Our minds are pretty good at filling in the blanks in the usually incomplete messages we send each other, filling in the blanks with what WE think that person meant.

What are self-managed teams?

In their basic form, self-managed teams are groups of people who decide together how work will get done. Power and responsibility are shared. To many of us in the corporate world, this sounds like fiction, yet look under the hood of a lot of the small teams that are the engine of production in organizations and you'll find various forms of self-management at play.

I coined the term Social Soma many years ago to describe what I experienced with representatives and clients when I facilitated constellations. Gradually, I began to understand that the person who sat in the client’s chair beside me was made up of many interactions over time, and that the quality and kind of those interactions had shaped the person in front of me.

The species humans have been most successful at domesticating is ourselves. In doing so, our animal self voice has been muted. We no longer need the acute animal awareness or our surroundings in modern industrialized life. That doesn’t mean our animal self isn’t there. It is there but we don’t believe it has anything useful to say, and that’s a great loss. The art of honing intuition comes in noticing and calibrating your body senses in order to use this information in your daily life.

What captions would you add to this image? Mine would read, "How dare you?" "But I didn't do it!" The story is literally written in their faces and postures.

So, what is an emotion? (This is an area of scientific debate and I’m not going to jump into the fray on that one.) For most of us, emotions are the meaningful physical experiences we have in response to situations, positive or negative.

I understand why, when facing the complexity of modern challenges, including our rapidly degrading climate, political unrest, migration, it would seem appealing to have a “strongman” to tell us what to do. But that is not wise. Strongmen have no vested interest in the lives of the average person. They have the wealth to get the best the world has to offer, and the power to ensure that wealth stays in their hands and with their family (no trickle-down nonsense needed).

A monkey, a lizard and a human go into a bar. The human is a cheap drunk, and is soon slumped over on the bar, semi-conscious. After a few more drinks, the monkey gets into a fight with another monkey who insulted him, calling him stupid trash, and yelling that he wasn’t good enough to set foot in this bar. Just as the other monkey was about to strangle our monkey, the lizard got activated and smashed the attacking monkey over the head with a bottle, knocking the other monkey out cold. The police soon arrived and arrested the human. Say what?

Most of us haven’t learned how to tell our truth in a loving and connecting way, especially if we’re not happy about something our parter is doing or may do. Yet, this skill would save many relationships. Learning how to be honest in a caring way that honors both person’s needs and feelings is a skill, but not one you were taught in school or necessarily had modeled in your family of origin. This skill is an example of a “two-self system” skill. Most of us have only learned how to navigate a “one-self system.”

Intention is thinking about doing something. It is my intention to go to the grocery store. Intent is the leap. Intent is when you get in the car and go to the grocery store. Intention is thinking, "I want to lose weight this year." Intent is tying your shoes to your front door handle so you have no choice but to put them on and head to the gym in the morning.

In the many years I've worked with couples, I've come to realize that most people are not equipped for the demands of modern marriage. While the biggest complaint is, "we don't communicate", there are a few fundamental underlying problems that communication alone won't solve. I designed this course to address those foundational issues, as well as provide the key communication skills most couples need to improve their connection and satisfaction with their relationship.

Often our ideas get in the way of effective actions or behavior, particularly in relationships where we gradually automate each other based on our expectations and memories, rather than being fully present with each other. Part of the reason for creating the Essential Skills for Couples was to connect useful concepts with practical action and skills to boost your relationship satisfaction and mastery.

Habits exist in our bodies, not just our minds. We can’t think or will our way to change; we literally have to change the body, right down to growing new connections between neurons in our brain and body. One small change practiced over and over is much more likely to snowball into transformation than a big dramatic effort that isn’t repeated often enough for the body (including the brain) to master, and automate, the new pattern.