How do you resolve a grudge when you are living with the "cause"?

Most of the advice for getting past a grudge is about dealing with past incidents. It's over and you're still fuming. But what happens when you are living with someone who keeps doing the behavior that you begrudge? How do you “get past” your grudge if the grudge-inducing events keep occurring despite your best efforts to communicate with the grudge-inducer? Well, you could leave, of course, and sometimes there are very good reasons not to leave. (Note: I am not talking about situations involving domestic violence. If you find yourself in an unsafe environment, please seek help.)

Sometimes these situations arise because we are living with someone who is just plain old different from us and when they do what makes sense to them, it has a negative impact on us. In the best of all possible worlds, the two of us would work together to co-create a way forward we could both live with. And, sometimes the other person either isn’t consistent, isn’t motivated, or just plain doesn’t care (especially if they know you aren’t going to leave.) Alas, these minor irritations can add up to a negative story about the other person that slowly corrodes the relationship. If the other person’s behavior isn’t so onerous that it sends you screeching into orbit, and there is enough that you value about your relationship with this person to continue, then figuring out how to handle your response to their behavior becomes a viable option.

Let’s look more closely at grudges. How do these unpleasant beasties get started in your psyche, and worse yet in your body, because that’s where this little pit of negativity resides? 

In this case, grudges are built up of resentments over time. Grudges can also be a result of a one time slight or mishap. Resentment is a form of anger, specifically anger at having a boundary crossed. Usually either because something we believe is ours was violated or disrespected, or because a rule that is important to us was crossed. As many of you know, my favorite stand-in for all these minor violations is the dirty socks on the bathroom floor in front of the dirty clothes hamper. Irritating for the non-sock-owning person who prefers a clean bathroom floor, and has to pick up the stinky socks and put them in the nearby hamper.

These violations are linked to the following possible reasoning:

• a need to control our environment to feel safe, or respected, or loved or … you fill in the equivalence with your favorite

• a need for fairness or justice. This one pops up when an agreement has been broken too many times for casual forgiveness, which starts breeding distrust in relationships. 

• a need for protection or safety is ignored. A partner driving unsafely is a good example. 

• a need for space or respect for our person, personal space, or things we claim as ours

• a need for validation of our views, values, ways of being.

What word is present in all of these descriptions? Yup. Need. There is a behavior that we want from the other person in order to fulfill a need of ours. 

The typical response is to nag, complain, escalating to blaming, threatening, criticizing, retribution, and contempt. By the time we reach contempt in this attempted but failed negotiation, the relationship is in trouble. And still the grudge-inducer carries on with the socks on the floor, leading to self loathing at our own impotence in the face of their persistence. What would be a better way to approach this situation?

Replace resentment and grudge creation with actual boundaries. I say actual boundaries, because a boundary is only wishful thinking if there are no consequences and many people miss this important step. If I don’t want to go down the path of mindless, impotent nagging etc. then I must decide what my need is, where my boundary is, and what the consequence will be for crossing it. 

Let’s take those rotten socks again. Let’s say you have calmly negotiated a fair agreement about the socks. Since you do the laundry, and the piled up dirty socks are a hassle for you, what is the consequence of leaving socks on the floor. One response, said kindly by the way, is “My dear, the next time you leave your dirty socks on the floor in front of the clothes hamper, I will not include your undies and socks in the wash, okay by you?”

There are a few key points in this communication. 1. A friendly approach (my dear, said kindly). 2. A clear description of the violation and the consequence (socks on the floor, your undies and socks don’t get washed by me), and 3. A bid for agreement. Boundary violation consequences are most effective when both parties have agreed to them. Since this is something the sock-dropper has already agreed to do, this shouldn’t be a big issue. Until you don’t do their wash. :-) Then, you must kindly and calmly hold your ground. No consequences, normal boundary.

Hopefully the sock-dropper prefers to have you do the wash and will be motivated next time they consider dropping those socks to stuff them into the hamper. It can take a few rounds to stabilize a new boundary, and you have to stick with your consequences in order to be congruent with your request. And, it sure beats nagging, blaming, threatening, etc. It’s much easier on YOU. 

I hope this little article invites you to consider where you might be putting the responsibility for setting your boundaries (and consequences) on the other person, and inspires you to step up and graciously start setting clear boundaries rather than indulging in grudges.

If you'd like to learn how couples can build a better foundation for a healthy relationship and improve their communication skills and relationship satisfaction, check out our online program, Essential Skills for Couples.