What's your point? What kind of conversation are we having?

Ever have one of those conversations where you were confused by the person you were talking with, not sure where the conversation was going or what their point was? Truth is, we miss each other in communication more often than we think. Our minds are pretty good at filling in the blanks in the usually incomplete messages we send each other, filling in the blanks with what WE think that person meant.

When we do discover we’ve missed each other, we often zero in on the words, arguing over who said what when rather that realizing we are literally talking at crossed purposes. Talk happens so automatically that we rarely think before we speak. Try. thinking. about. every. word. that. you. say. It’s impossibly tedious. Life comes at us fast. Often we ourselves don’t know our true intention when we speak, we are “thinking out loud.” Our listener may, or may not, understand what we think we are trying to say. It's a tricky process.

I think of daily conversations like a river. We see the ripples on the surface and usually miss the deeper currents moving beneath. Communication researchers struggle to arrive at a universal model or theory of how human communication works. It’s complex. There is general agreement on a set of types of conversation, however. Those are:

Phatic - the “hi, how are you?” we exchange in the hallway at work. These ritualized exchanges allow us to acknowledge the presence of the other person, while sliding past each other in our daily tasks.

Information seeking - the “which way to the bus stop?” question a tourist might ask a local to get to their destination.

Story telling - a semi-ritualized form of narrative where the speaker takes the listener through a description of an experience. Stories in oral cultures served to teach values and import critical cultural knowledge. We still tell stories - elaborate ones thanks to Netflix and the like - mostly for entertainment, however, these are saturated with cultural values and norms, and serve to reinforce them.

Dialogic - this involves an exchange of experiences and understanding in the deeper exploration of a specific topic. Unlike small talk, it requires the speaker and listener to trade turns and stay focused on one topic.

Decision making - problem solving talk. Rules vary among groups as to who gets to speak, when, and how decisions will be made. This form of talk is often tied up with social power structures.

Finally, persuasive or conflictive conversations where one party is attempting to persuade the other to their point of view.

Lots of different purposes that can be behind that person you are talking with. Do you know what their purpose is? What your purpose is when you start a conversation? It helps to be clear and to let your listener know what your aim is.

I’d like to propose another type of seemingly ordinary conversation that I see between members of a couple or family. I call these connecting conversations. The innocuous looking exchanges (“Honey, could you take out the garbage?”) serve to reinforce our connection with one another. These simple exchanges, when engaged in by both parties, help us feel connected to one another.

An important task of couples is co-creating a shared reality. This is a story of who we are, why we are together, how we live, and what is important to us. Even work teams benefit from the discursive effort involved in co-creating a shared story of reality. When this shared reality breaks down in couples, usually because one or both parties lacks a “we” orientation, the relationship falters. We aren’t in the same reality and misunderstanding and miscommunication increases. The task of co-creating our ecosystem becomes a contest. Whose view will dominate the relationship? That contest is corrosive to most relationships over time, including workplace conversations. Heartache and loneliness result.

In your relationships, watch for those little opportunities to create a mutual understanding, a shared story of who we are, what we’re here for, and what we’re creating together. These small ordinary exchanges are the threads that weave together the fabric of our lives.

If you'd like to learn how couples can build a better foundation for a healthy relationship and improve their communication skills and relationship satisfaction, check out our online program, Essential Skills for Couples.