How Nature Sees Boundaries & Why that could change your relationships

I remember the first time I realized clouds were not little packets of whiteness scuttling across the sky. Something more complex was going on. This time lapse video clip out our big South windows was one of my first clues. Watch carefully and you'll see the clouds are dissolving and reforming themselves as they "move" across the sky.

Watching these clips got me thinking about our concept of boundaries, especially in relationships. There is a lot of emphasis on cutting off or “eliminating” troublesome people from your life, a kind of “swipe left” solution to relationship conflict. Mind you, don’t get me wrong, there are times when “no” must mean “no” and some humans have not learned how or been given the capacity to be in safe relationship with others. Still, what is “dangerous” and what is “safe?” If someone is physically threatening your existence, that seems pretty clear cut.

What about when a person is unaware that their intentions are having an adverse impact on you (and won’t take a hint or even more direct communication?) Or what about other relationships that seem mired in unresolvable conflicts? Most of us lack the skill to navigate these complexities well and end up cutting someone off out of pain and frustration. While better communication skills are certainly helpful, are there other ways to think about relationship boundaries? Since I’m on a small farm that aspires to Permaculture design principles, I got curious about how Nature does boundaries.

Nature is nothing if not a highly interconnected web of living breathing evolving relationships. In Permaculture design, we pay attention to “edges”, zones where two ecosystems meet. These are rich energetic areas with greater diversity than either zone alone. The energetic exchange at these interfaces isn’t clear cut. Even a stone sitting in a stream that seems highly bounded isn't over. time. The water and that stone are exchanging atoms, the water carrying away a tiny part of the stone as it reshapes the surface of the rock. These are fuzzy, complex and negotiable boundaries, like the clouds, forming, dissolving, reforming. Fuzzy edges. Edges with possibilities for something new to emerge.

I think of how this might apply to our concept of what relationships “should” be. Our relationships aren’t all one perfect kind. We have many different edges in our relationship web, different amounts of connection, interface, and potentially, conflict. Edges teach us that conflict can be generative. I believe, however, we get into trouble when we mistake the conceptual for the real. Our concepts of what is real, true, and good, conscious or not, guide our actions. If we think of the places where we intersect with other people as edges, like two eco-systems brushing up against one another, rather than two tight bags of skin and organs passing each other by, does that change how we relate to one another? In modern life, we must spend a fair amount of time in the company of people we have not chosen like co-workers, service providers, even family members (step-families anyone?) Is there another way to view the edge zone between those relationships?

One book that challenged my thinking in this area is Tao Orion’s book, Beyond the War on Invasive Species. As she puts it, a boundary doesn’t have to be a wall; it can be a living edge that shapes mutual adaptation. What if that annoying co-worker wasn’t an “invasive species” but a living edge that is offering you an opportunity to explore the real complexity of human relationship. What if our “edges” could be adaptive, rather than absolute? Could be co-created rather than a contest for domination?

I confess, there have been a few times in my life when I have moved to reduce contact with someone, though in my decades on this planet, these number less than the fingers on one hand. In each case, I did not feel I could hold my ground against the harmful behavior of the person and, out of options at the time, I withdrew. In most cases, I felt a sense of exhaustion that maintaining that edge took more from me than I had to give. In every case, I told the other person I was withdrawing and why. Were those the best decisions? I don’t know. If I had had the concept of Permaculture “edges” rather than “boundaries” at those times in the past, would I have made a different move in the relationship web?

As I’ve gotten older, I’m more aware of the limits on my energy, the narrowing horizon of my life, and the need to make clear and beneficial choices about where I put my time and energy. I’ve learned more about letting go of what I can’t reasonably fix and accepting losses when there isn’t a clear path to reconciliation. I suppose that is part of what passes as wisdom, choosing as best I can what I will invest my life energy in, and what no longer serves. How do you manage difficult relationships? What happens if you think of edges in those relationships like two eco-systems bumping up against each other? Does that change the impulse to build hard walls? What has worked for you? Where are you stuck? I’d love to hear your experiences.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcEc0hGyJ0Q